Try not to project too far

Always appreciate the moments and touches of a mother you love

Some of us have led a life that has allowed us to see the challenges of old age before it happens for us. It’s difficult to watch loved ones struggle as their bodies and minds give out on them. When I was younger I always was concerned at losing one or both of my parents. In fact I spent a period of my life somewhat estranged from them and was really concerned not to be able to come back together with them before they passed. I think I always lived a life outside of their comfort zone but managed to build a world of my own that they were proud of.

It’s now been 27 years since I got closer to them and worked on a relationship. I even took up golf just to have something I could do with my father since he was golfing all of the time in his golf course retirement community. As an aside I learned that my temperament doesn’t match up with golf very well and some could argue neither does his. It’s been a very good period of time with them seeing me raise a family and have a decent career. I think my wife was their favorite of all and I guess I don’t blame them.

It’s been about a seven year period of watching them decline with my mother first breaking her hip. She broke her other hip and during all of that time she very slowly became forgetful but hardly to notice. I now find that both of them are in a full care facility probably just about 50 yards from each other. My mother fades away as the day goes on and I think it happy with everyone but my father. My father has lost his ability to walk or do things on his own. His stubbornness has him falling trying to do things on his own when he could have pressed a button and had assistance. They just turned 93 and I truly feel for them as their quality of life is just awful. They have loving people around them where they live so I know they are well taken care of. They chose not to move anywhere family was so they wouldn’t be a bother to us. The challenge is that now we trade off flying 2k miles to visit every month or two. I look forward to my next visit and hopefully can bring some light into the moments I can be there.

The real challenge and how this fits into the theme of this blog is that I can tend to fear for my future. I feel as though I’m looking through the glass at what I have to look forward to. Who's to say I’ll ever come near to 93 since I’m just now turning 60. I do triathlons and ride motorcycles so I may not make it that far as I do intend to wear my body out and have fun doing it. I do find myself fighting that “quiet desperation” of thinking I may have a similar fate of growing old and not well. I reason with myself that it’s one day at a time and live in the moment. One of my favorite Grateful Dead lyrics are “I may be going to Hell in a bucket babe, but at least I’m enjoying the ride”. In order for me to stave off that quiet desperation I need to remind myself of those lyrics. Ride is out hard and if there are last moments that are a challenge I can say I got there honestly and had fun doing it. Let’s not project too far and just get it done day by day.

Direction or Destination Needed

As I find myself starting down retirement years in the somewhat near future I struggle to find where, how, and why regarding what to do. From the pre-retirement perspective I often wondered why someone would want to keep working if they didn’t have to. Is it that they loved what they did so much they didn’t want to stop? Was it the fear that stopping meant irrelevance and speeding the process to dying?

I don’t share either sentiment as I like what I do and am good enough at it but look forward to stepping away. My fear isn’t that I will become irrelevant and speed toward the afterlife if I stop working. Quite the opposite. I feel as though I should be fitting in more meaningful and adventurous activities before I die. Of course sitting on the couch and watching the hellscape know as the news all day would definitely be a super highway to the end. I also feel that it’s getting closer that my body doesn’t recover as well as it once did and therefore deal with pain more often than I’d like. I pretty much ignore it and even think of it as a badge or courage. If I have some pain from riding my motorcycle many miles or exercising in some manner, I’ll wear that pain proudly. Of course I have to be smart about it.

As you’ll see from the photo above, I faced mortality closer than I’d like to this summer. I worked very hard to paint and restore the deck around my pool. I was quite close to done and sweeping the deck of any sticks so I could start to do some fine tuning of my work. I turned around to step where there was none and with broom in hand went careening across the elevated planter that separate the deck from the pool deck and fell face first onto the pea gravel deck leading to the pool. I’ll spare you the extended story but it was pretty ugly. My son eventually came out and very calmly took over the situation to get me help. There’s nothing like having one of your children calming and comforting you in a moment like that. It’s what we work for as parents to have a child become an adult to handle challenging situations. Outside of that being an expensive fall, reminding me how good but overly expensive our healthcare system is, it all turned out fine and I recovered. I’m sure 10-15 years from now my brain will rebel but so far so good.

I guess the point of this entry into the NQD annals is that young or old we need to keep moving, even if it hurts or at times is dangerous. I’m not going to stop doing projects around my properties or will continue to find athletic goals that challenge my physical ability. I fight quiet desperation every day and you should too.

Sleeping in the hotel lobby

I often find myself staying at the same Dallas area hotel with an atrium. I’m an early riser as I go run or lift weights before heading to the office. I find myself coming down the elevator around 5:30am prior to much activity going on downstairs. My last trips I’ve noticed kids covered in blankets sleeping on the lobby couches. I realize that they much be the children of an overnight worker who doesn’t have another alternative for her children. My initial thought was that it was sad and a hardship. And maybe that’s the perspective of the worker. I then started thinking in other terms as I put my NQD mindset in place.

These children seem completely content and often seem to be sleeping very well. As I assessed the area they were sleeping in they were 5 feet from a water feature and small indoor waterfall. They are sleeping in one of my dream scenarios every morning. It’s as if they are camping near a creak with a waterfall. This scenario can create such peace and tranquility for an adult. Imagine being in elementary school and that’s what you get to rest next to. Over time I’ve seen them happy and they do appear so. I stopped feeling sorry for them as if they were sacrificing something as thought they had one of the coolest childhood experiences.

In a very stealthy manner they disappear right before 6am and the early breakfast crowd comes down. I hope the rest of their day can be seen as magical as their sleep.

New Pathways open New Communities

After having spent a year after running my ultra at Tunnel Hill and working hard at work to make up for staff losses and changes of direction I needed something to challenge and build my body. The ultra broke my body down quite a bit and I didn’t do the diligence to build it back up properly. I needed something that would do an all around buildup of it but also be a big enough challenge to keep me interested. I decided after many years away to go back to triathlon.

I signed up for the the Ironman 70.3 Memphis which is right in my backyard. I had been supplementing my running with swimming occasionally but not really ridden my bike seriously for quite some time. This was going to be a fun challenge to balance work, family, and multiple discipline training. From my point of view that’s part of the NQD way. Don’t worry how you’re going to accomplish it but figure it out and execute. The rest will fall into place.

I knew I had to take it slow and build up to my target race as I had 9 months to put it all together. I had my road bike overhauled and tuned figuring I’d wait to get on my Tri bike once I build up strength and stamina. I started picking up my swimming strength and speed. Swim speed is a bit relative since I was moving through the water but not too may people would call it fast. I knew that running needed to pick up slowly as to not cause injury. I was almost too deliberate on my build but I can say I successfully got through to race day injury free.

A fun part of the training was that every Sunday there was an open water swimming time to practice in the very body of water I was to swim in during the race. One evening they even had a mock swim course mapped out so we could practice the actual swim route. That was priceless as for most triathletes the swim brings the biggest anxiety. Open water with a lot of people and their arms and legs moving around and over you can be daunting. I also met new people and a new community in the local triathlon scene that were extremely nice people. I even had a wheel problem a few days before the race and someone loaned me the exact wheel so I could race on familiar equipment. A very generous gesture considering how expensive these things are.

Race day was very cold to begin where even standing around in my wetsuit didn’t help at all. I looked forward to jumping into the 74 degree water and warm up. Once I got in the chute to start and they told me to go the adventure was on! I had prepared very well to be able to finish. I wasn’t looking for glory but the ability to finish proudly and strong. My family was out on the bike course and one of my great friends was there before the swim and cheering me on during the run. Turning into the finishing shoot always gives the energy a boost and I loved crossing that finishing line.

I sometime wonder what I am proving when I do things like this. Am I trying to be cool to say I doing triathlon and Ironman events or even ultra running? There’s got to be a part of that or I wouldn’t be human. I believe that setting out a goal that is a true challenge motivates me to get up every day even when I don’t want to. I balance work, family and training to the best of my ability and then accomplish that goal and feel good that I could balance all of that and make it across the line. I had an absolute blast doing the Memphis Ironman 70.3 and didn’t bury my work life or family life. That was quite the accomplishment. It was exciting and added to my life in a positive way. Although I often live with stress and anxiety as much as I try not to, my constant pursuit of adventure and challenges guarantees I don’t have a live strife with quiet desperation. As I look ahead to my next adventure I will look with the intention to live more of my life with NO Quiet Desperation!

Nobody Can Do It Alone

The author at mile 88 of the Tunnel Hill Ultra

I’ve been on a journey of improvement and trying to escape quiet desperation. That is what this blog is about and what I deem is a battle cry of “No Quiet Desperation”. I think of Viktor Frankel’s “Man’s Search for Meaning” where he details deep insights into the power of the human mind to deal with challenging situations. So much of what we think are challenging are truly a matter of perspective. If you take a sippy cup of juice from a toddler it’s the end of the World. Whereas if you separate a man from the love of his life and put him in a concentration camp he can escape mentally to imagine and feel the love of his life not knowing she was gone from this world. I feel like much of my experience aligns closer to the toddler than what Viktor Frankel describes in his experiences in a Nazi concentration camp. I am truly thankful that’s been my experience.

One of the challenges for many of us is that we haven’t been challenged and forged like steel so we seek that out to bring more meaning to life or prove we have the power to overcome. As humans we still have that spark to strive and to explore. In the late sixties, running a marathon was very much an anomaly for most people. There might be that odd guy in town that people saw running and knew he might have run as far as a marathon once. Now you could run a marathon every weekend within a hundred miles from most homes. The comforts of modern society and mechanized labor have caused us to create the experience of hardship. It truly is part of our being. Striving for more and working hard for it. I really don’t think I’ve met a sedentary person that seems content and fulfilled.

I too have fallen into that search for stretching my limits and creating challenges where I truly don’t need to. I have plenty of work challenges and could work 60-70 hrs a week and most probably be more wealthy than I am today. That’s not what drives me. Different experiences and physical/mental changes are what really drive me and get me up at 4:30am. I’ve done longer bike rides to raise money such as centuries, 100 mile bikes rides, for cancer. I’ve done a marathon to raise money for St. Jude and of course to see if I could run a marathon. The sickness I have in my head is to go that little extra. After the marathon I figured a 50 miler would be a good ultra to challenge my ability to stick to a goal and power through something. Well, I go that one done too. I guess the next step is the great 100 mile ultra to really test my ability to not give up.

The thing with an ultra race of 100 miles is it’s a team effort. Yes, some people can do it alone with the race provided support but the true enjoyment is having friends and family there to support you. I chose to do the 2021 Tunnel Hill 100 and my crew was going to be my wife, sister and brother in law, and great friend and pacer Ted Beason. My training had been laced with injuries more due to my lack of core and weight training non-discipline than the wanting to run long and hard. I had knee challenges and back challenges and in some cases had to slow down or take time off. Even through all of this my coach, Ian Sharman, felt I could toe the line but temper my expectations. My crew had everything an ultra runner could want in support from massage gadgets to every food I could possibly want. They were ready and I felt the support and love from the start.

The race started and I was excited as ever. I had to keep mindful of my pace and not get to ahead of myself. The challenge is that around mile ten my back started to fail me. Nothing a little stretching and massage at crew stops wouldn’t fix. In that I was incorrect. My back hurt me for 90 miles but don’t let me get ahead of myself. I finished the first 50 miles hanging in there but still feeling positive that another 50 was in the cards. In about 15 miles my pacer, Ted, would join me for the remaining miles and cheer me on to keep me moving. My stomach felt fine, my legs naturally tired but at about every quarter mile I had to stop, stretch my back and then move on which slowed me down quite a bit. The true test was at mile 75 where I had my crew and a warm Suburban with a bed in back. I just needed a 30 minute nap and made sure that my wife was going to wake me up and not take pity on me to let me sleep longer. While I snoozed away in a very comfortable deep sleep I was unaware of the wagers going on outside the car. I believe the consensus was the I wasn’t going to continue on for that next 25 miles. I’m glad I wasn’t aware as in my mind quiting wasn’t an option. Either I ran out of time or got so injured I couldn’t move forward. I will say that when Diane opened that door I was greatly disappointed that I had to get back out into the cold dark night. I changed my clothed into dry and warm ones, laced on my shoes over super tender toes, and looked back to turn around and take that next step toward those last 25 miles. As the miles dragged on my pacer Ted became more and more of a cheerleader and motivator. At mile 88 he downright became a drill sergeant. There was a cut off time and he was calculating constantly what I needed in pace to make that line. I passed a woman that could barely stand up and was leaning to one side. I supposed I looked good in comparison. She had an incredible blank stare of determination as I looked back. She was none too happy to be passed but I had to do it to keep on pace. At the next and last crew stop I just needed some rocket fuel of any kind to get me those last three miles so I stopped to get something. That lady saw an opportunity to pass me by and make time, much to the discouragement of her pacer and staff. About 100 yards past she fell flat on her face in the leaves. I felt so badly for her but didn’t have the facility to help and there were people coming to her assistance. I needed to press on.

I made those last miles and cross that 100 mile line. I always imagined I’d be more emotional about accomplishing such a feat but it just wasn’t there. I was grateful to my team and happy it was over but was more emotional when about 20 minutes later and very close to the cutoff, that lady rounded the corner and crossed that finish line. Yes, she still had leaves covering her and looked an incredible mess but she made it. It’s difficult to explain the desire to push through extraordinary circumstances and pain to accomplish something. Those who know, know. I try not to proselytize about it to people that don’t understand. Maybe they don’t need that pain and accomplishment to feel complete. Those of us that do are no doubt broken somewhere but we’ve found something to keep us going. I wish I had introduced myself to that lady and kept in touch but we went on our separate ways. I hope she feels more complete as I do after that event.

On to the next challenge to fight off that quiet desperation.

One Brave Daughter

My wife and I always thought we were going to have a daughter. When we were dating we imagined our daughter and of course came up with a name, Marina. I was driven that a daughter was in order as I loved my girlfriend so much I wanted to have a little version of her or part of her as my daughter. Sometimes when you find something special it just seems more of the same would make for a better and more complete World. We even enjoyed once, while visiting Mexico, playing one day with a little girl that really inspired us and caused us to by the prettiest red Mexican dress. We were ready.

We were super fortunate to have had our first two children that were healthy and amazing little boys. To date they have grown up to be young men I am very proud of and I’m confident will make a very positive mark on this World. Their smiles, kindness and intellect is unique and amazing to experience every time I get to be around them. Both of them are in college now so I don’t get to be around them daily, but fortunately they love their mother and I enough to want to visit and have us visit often. We no doubt made many mistakes raising those boys but the stew of parenting we utilized worked well.

In 2006 we were finally granted our wish. My wife was pregnant and we always found out if we were having a boy or girl before giving birth. I guess neither one of us like surprises. This time we had the doctor put the result of the test in an envelope and we went to a restaurant where we could steal away in a quiet corner to see if we were going to get our Marina. The joy of finding out we were going to have our little girl was amazing. The fact we had two amazing boys we loved dearly to look over our little girl seemed to be the best family grouping one could wish for. Marina was born April 10th, the same day that her grandmother was born. What a blessing to have had our baby girl born and boy did she love her brothers as she grew up.

Marina has lived up to our every expectation as a beautiful, smart and independent girl. She’s been a 4 time national champion in her chosen sport of competitive cheer. She’s smart and with an inquisitive drive to understand kindness in this world. She’s even a super fan of one of my favorite sports of Formula One auto racing. What I didn’t see coming was her drive to explore and see the World as nuanced and understand that her birth country, the United States, was not the center of the world but just a small part of it. Coming of age in a country going through political, racial and social turmoil caused her to look for other parts of the World that would fit her need to see kindness and intelligent social interaction. I wasn’t prepare for what would happen next.

Daughter and Dad walking together down Beale Street in Memphis

Marina decided to do an exchange program. Initially she was thinking of going to England or Ireland since she didn’t speak any foreign languages and she really liked the concept of those countries. Maybe she’d bump into Harry Styles or Lando Norris. While working through this possibility in her head she met a girl from Spain who was doing an exchange year in Marina’s school. They quickly became friends as how many 15 year old girls in middle America are formula one fans? She also gleaned some incite into how people from other areas of the world see her home country as well as what those other countries might be like.

Spain it was then. As bazaar as it was to think of having a daughter spend an entire school year, at the age of 16, was we couldn’t help get caught up in the excitement. Her mother and I dug into how to make it happen. The immense work it was to get the paper work, passport and visas was exhausting and often frustrating work. There were often tears when there was consideration it might not happen. Almost at the last minute we received everything we needed for her to get on that plane and get on her first true adventure of her life.

Then reality hit us hard. I can’t speak for her mother but I will say that I’ve been through heartache in my life. That really gut wrenching pain that you just feel like there’s nothing you can do to feel joy again. I was not going to see my baby girl for almost a year. It’s not natural for that to happen when your daughter is 16 and loves her father. The joy I felt every morning when she’d come downstairs and I saw her for the first time of the day. Her voice sounded so angelic when she’d say the words “good morning daddy”. That wasn’t going to be a daily natural event. To add insult to injury, the day she was leaving I had to be on a business trip. I had to say goodbye to her over FaceTime in front of a Dallas office building. While she boarded the plane and started her journey I was in executive meetings doing everything within my power not to completely break down but to participate. My heart was breaking and I was scared for my baby girl traveling halfway around the world. I spoke to her when she was in Germany and then followed her movements after landing in her new home country of Spain. She was there safely but she was gone.

Those feelings I had were natural but from this vantage point I consider to be a bit selfish. I kept them from her most of the time prior to her leaving but did once break down the day before I had to leave on my business trip and just cried in her arms. A father being comforted by his daughter. But the amazing thing was that she was so resolute to go on this adventure. Even my selfish behavior didn’t make her consider backing off. She was going to go on this adventure and even hid her own concerns and fears.

My Marina is now 8 weeks into her adventure. Until earlier this year she didn’t even speak Spanish and she was also going into a region where they sometime utilize a dialect called Gallician which seems to be a combination of Portuguese, Spanish, and Gaelic. She’s with an amazing family that includes that special girl that became her friend. She’s loving the country, the society and has built a group of friends to have a robust social life. Marina is a perfectionist when it comes to school and grades but she was thrust into a private catholic school that teaches in Spanish and an educate system that is more robust that anything she’s experienced in her home country. Of all things that have come close to breaking her spirit, the thought of failing a class was it. Not the fact that for weeks she could truly communicate or that food was so much different and establishing new friendships. Marina fought hard through massive anxiety and learning struggles to get what would be an equivalent to a B average! Who does that? My brave daughter does that and I have so may high hopes for her to be the contributor to this World that will be a small part of a big change.

I tell this story because it perfectly encapsulates the theme of this website/blog. Marina going off to Spain as a high school girl, barely knowing the language and only a few people, is a prime example of the concept of No Quiet Desperation! We can all draw inspiration from this incredible young girl I call my daughter Marina.

The eyes I love now stare at the Spanish landscape

Branch Out and Take a Chance!

The pandemic was quite the opportunity to take life down a desperate hole. When COVID took over the world it was a pretty scary environment and for me professionally it was as well. There was a lot of uncertainty all around. It really changed the way we all think of work, family and life in general. My wife and I worked hard to make it a positive thing for both us and our children.

One thing we did was really crazy for a couple accountants that live a pretty sedate and conservative life. We started looking for a house at the lake for a second home. We’re not wealthy but could stretch to make that happen. It’s one of the most exhilarating and potentially scary things we could have taken on. We weren’t lake people and aside from a couple rare occasions had really not been on a lake or lived in the country. We were tired of being holed up in our house and wanted to provide a fun spot for our growing toward adulthood kids.

We did it. We fought a growing crowd of people that were apparently doing the same thing. After offers were beaten out by higher bids our agent came up with a good strategy and we finally got a very nice house near the lake that we could escape to.

Turn into fear

Instinct is powerful as spiders build webs in perfect spots to catch flying insects.

I don’t like spiders. That’s a solid statement of fact. I’ve learned that being the first person on a trail is not for me. One morning I was on a warm summer morning that was a bit dewey and I started running down the trail. Huge spider webs crossed the trail for at least a mile I tried with all my might to keep running and duck and dodge the webs. My skin was crawling and heart racing as snakes don’t bother me at all but spiders are my phobia. I eventually gave in and made my way back. Full confession, I waited for the mountain bikers to clear the way and headed back down the trail.

The reason I bring this up is there are times it’s best to turn into our fears and face them head on. I can’t say I’ve done that in critical situations such as quiting my job and changing careers or becoming a spider wrangler. But I have taken on sports or social situations that I’d truly prefer not to just because I wanted to face down that fear and become a stronger person mentally, emotionally and physically. I’m not sure if I’ve written about this previously but it’s pertinent to my point. I had run and I had biked so I decided to enter a duathlon that also doubled as a triathlon. I remember when I was starting my run and saw the swimmers start their swim that I would really never want to do that. Get in a lake or ocean and swim in open water. I’ve learned since to head the warning that when I mentally state that I usually do something stupid and turn into it. Well, after I got home from that race I consulted with my better half and signed up for a half Ironman. Why? Because I feared it and thus thought I should jump in the deep end. That journey was extremely rewarding as I struggled and trained hard and completed that 70.3 Ironman. I felt so much stronger after accomplishing that feet not because I was physically stronger but I had face a fear, took it on, and conquered it. I hadn’t been that person in any meaningful way up to that point and always took what I thought was the safe road. Not anymore.

That’s what I thought about as I saw the pictured spider and decided that rather than clear it away I’d take a picture of it and let it be. It will most likely be gone when I decide to jump in.

Be a Master

“Your mind is your instrument. Learn to be its master and not its slave.” - Remez Sasson

Winter water fall in the Smokie Mountains

I heard the quote above this morning and it really resonated with me. I spent many years living in my head and letting my mind control me. We often live entire life scenarios in a short period of time, in our minds. How often do we play out worst case situation in our heads. I know I often do and in some cases it’s probably not a bad thing. Case in point is during this COVID 19 epidemic. None of us can be sure we’ll have active employment on into the future. Many prominent businesses are going bankrupt. Hopefully this is not the case and I believe my empoyment is secure for at least the next year. I assure you I’ve switched from taking a bi-weekly paycheck for granted and started to cut back a bit. I’ve been wanting to make sure I aggressively pay off debt and lower my overhead should I……lose my job. Is preparing for this potential a bad thing? I personally don’t think so. The bad thing is playing it out over and over and obsessing about it to the point it affects your happiness and those of others around you. Use those thoughts in a controlled manner to make sure your situation is the best it can be and then move on.

Life is too short to let our minds control us. I like to use my mind to help make people feel better by engaging in constructive conversation or actually being kind to people. It’s amazing what a friendly and complimentary comment will get you. Not in things as much as the positive and constructive feeling you get from it. In fact, since nobody in my house is home or awake I’m going to end this post, go onto a social website and make a positive comment about someone. Might as well get the day started on a positive note, master my mind and help someone master theirs.

Damn it!

A true champion who overcame great odds and was an inspiration to many

The other day a warrior passed away that embraced “‘No Quiet Desperation!”. David Clark was an awesome human being with an amazing story of recovery and pursuing a path of passion. His story was one that surpassed imagination. Why he didn’t die during his years of drinking and drugs is truly amazing. His book “Out There: A story of ultra recovery” is the benchmark for recovery books that fit into the theme of this blog. Between his and Rich Roll’s stories I can’t decipher which truly resonates best with me and each of us will have to determine that ourselves.

I feel like I knew him much better than I actually did. I spoke with him a couple times when going through challenging times and he was such a gracious person with his time. He faught hard for his ex-addict life, which isn’t easy. As much as many of us stand by and try to learn from people like David the fact is there’s not a lot of money in it. His books were entertaining and inspirational and his podcast was really fun once you got through some of the juvinile banter.

The fact is it’s really hard to believe he’s gone. I will miss him and like with many people who have passed well before their time wish I had taken more advantage of the time they were here. What I can say is that if anyone reading this has not read his initial book, do it as quickly as you can. He personified this blog and even though he passed so much earlier than he should have, changed so many lives.

David Clark, I have no idea what happens after our time on earth but I certainly hope you’re at peace and can continue to contribute to those struggling in this realm. Much love from this warrior.

Almost a year of this crap!

Trail to the left I will run on again one day

I started this blog as I was really on a good path toward finding a way to stay away from the main theme of this thing. Leading a life of quiet desperation is exhausting and I had accumulated many tools and sources to stay out of that mindset. As many of us know there are times when even great preparation that are met with high octane challenges can throw us off the path a bit. Luckily the foundation I built within myself, my family, and my community has gotten me through.

So not to go down too big of a “rat hole” I’ll sum up the challenges in just a few sentences. I went from being on top of a PE owned company finance organization to a merger that happened where the plans wipe out most of my resources and leave my future uncertain. I finally came back from a running injury, trained carefully all 2019 so I could launch into training for a 100 miler later in 2020. Right after I signed up for said race I had leg/hip pain that when I got it checked out turned out to be a stress fracture. Game over for 2020. Of course then there’s this global epidemic that’s turned all of our lives on their ear. To sum it up I have professional uncertainty and my body has broken to where I can’t do the thing I love, running.

So what to do? First of all the years of mindfulness and hard work have given me a foundation that has allowed me to keep a decent if not great attitude throughout this time. I know that just continuing to be me and work hard will make the professional path work itself out. One of the more difficult things is not being able to run. There’s something special about running to me that feels like it cleans my mind out every day. I can’t even walk for exercise which is terribly frustrating and it’s been months. Even though I am not a big fan of swimming my triathlon days have conditioned me to be able to do it. Now that the athletic center is open on a limited basis I swim at least a mile each day. My obsessive mind has me thinking of long distance open water swimming as a next hurrah. Hopefully I’m smart enough not to bite on that idea but I’ve learned that when I say I don’t like something there’s a short circuit in my brain that pushes me to do it anyway.

So to bring this post to a conclusion, after a tough year of having quiet desperation poke at me I’m back to fighting back. Life is too short to mope about so let’s all take a deep breath and thumb out nose at adversity and get back to a life of NO QUIET DESPERATION!! Cheers!!

Indecision

Beautiful Fall day for a run

One of the worst spots to be in is that of indecision. I’ve often found myself in that state and it’s one of the most painful positions to be in. The fact is that we’ve almost all heard that the decision to not decide is a decision all in itself. It can be mulling over where to go to dinner or whether or not to get a divorce. I realize that each of those carries a different weight and consequence but often the tension inside us is not that dissimilar.

Indecision is a form of paralysis. If we’re completely honest with ourselves we’ve been in that moment which could be hours, days, weeks or even years. We want to quit our job or career. Possibly move somewhere we feel is calling us or is a place of passion. Not doing it is OK too, but it’s the grey area in between where we haven’t committed to either way. We either need to become happy with where we are, embrace it, and make it the best spot to be in or plan the change. Either way, worrying about it every day is a slow death and does nobody an favors. Pick a path and run!

Go back to a former passion

So much fun being on the sidelines catching kids giving their all

I was hearing a discussion earlier today regarding how we lose our ability to do things for just fun at a certain age.  When we drew pictures in school or as children, we were so proud of them and had a lot of fun doing it.  At some point in time, most likely adolescence, we start feeling self-conscious and stop doing the things we think are fun and concentrate on the things we may be good at or are acceptable.  Doing things for the purity of fun can often take a far back seat to other motivations.  We then go through school and often start doing things for money or prestige which in the end can get us into that quiet desperation state of mind.

One of the aspects that I’ve worked on is getting back to those things I enjoyed and considered fun.  When I was young, I really enjoyed photography and worked hard at a paper route to save enough money to purchase a camera.  As I hit junior high and high school that fell by the wayside and then there was just no time.  Boy, did that world pass me by and change a ton.  I bought a nice digital camera to take some sports pics of my kids and started finding the love again.  Then people started asking me for pictures of their kids and I started publishing my high school football photos as the exclusive gallery for my kid’s high school football program.  What a blast that is and how much time it takes to comb through 900 photos taken during a game to get those 90 or so pics that express the game and are really special to the players and families.  I also spent 5 hours on a sandbar on Thanksgiving holiday morning just taking pictures of a fall river scene as the sun came up and brightened up the brightly colored leaves.  I found that passion and fun I had as a kid again and brings me great joy.  It’s not my profession and may never be, but it’s something that kicks the quiet desperation out of my head.

My recommendation is that we need to think about those things that have brought us joy either as kids or adults and lean into them. Why not pick up a camera and start a photography habit? Why not join a chorus or barbershop group to start singing again? Get on a bike? Run? Walk? Paint? Whatever it might be I think it’s always a good idea to just jump right in and do it. Some of my pictures are just awful, but who cares, they’re free!

Nobody said it would be easy

Wonderful day or moment wondering around on my moto

The last few weeks have been extremely difficult. A ton of stress and worries that I try my best to negate through meditation, speaking with my wife, and reminding myself of the NQD life. It doesn’t always work. I often find myself twisted up in knots and taking thoughts to the potential negative consequences. Such as “if I don’t get this project done perfectly I may end up losing my job and not being able to pay my mortgage let alone my kid’s college tuition and possibly end up homeless”. While this may seem really self defeating it’s a thought pattern that happens frequently for many. I’ve worked for many years to try to turn those thoughts around and change to a more driven mindset that will not only push those thoughts away but assist me in clearing the issues.

I need to find more time for me more often. That doesn’t necessarily mean taking a week off in the mountains searching my soul. Although that does sound nice. I have a motorcycle that I love to ride and it allows me to think mostly about what I’m doing and the beauty of where I’m riding. Until today I hadn’t ridden it since last Summer prior to a major business change. I’ve had that vehicle for pleasure and focus in my garage but couldn’t find the time or give myself the time to go out and enjoy a ride in the country. Today was another beautiful day packed with events that could have prevented me from doing it once more. I forced a ride into my day and what a beautiful couple hours it was. It didn’t take much time and yes things didn’t get done except for my being much more centered and prepared to take on the next challenges.

Am I in a state of bliss where I don’t have a care in the World? Not even close. I still have the same amount of work ahead of me that I’ll try not to take my stress levels too high knocking them out. But I have a good memory of a couple hours where I heard the purr of my motorcycle under me and the beautiful countryside fly by. I’m better off for having done it. If you’re reading this I recommend either finding something to do that you’re passionate about or forcing yourself to take some time to do what you love. Even if it’s just a couple hours it’s still going to make you feel better about that next task.

Sometimes thumbing your nose to quiet desperation means helping someone else

My journey toward not living a QD life started very selfishly. The anxiety and focus of my life had me so unhappy I had to do something or implode. Then there are the times when feeling sorry for yourself or trying to break out takes a back seat to helping friends or loved ones. Two instances I can think of that helped me gain a better foothold on life were when a friend had a heart attack and my son struggled with football injuries. My friend didn’t have a massive heart issue but after having a stint surgery needed someone to help him get active again. I was running a decent distance each day but he wasn’t active in that manner at all. I put my running on hold and came to his house daily to go for a walk, and just talk. The fitness aspect was small for me but I wanted to provide the support of a friend.

The other is that my son had a football injury that both tore up his shoulder but worse he suffered a torn retina. Also being a baseball player the eyes are ultimately important to depth perception. After three surgeries and a major setback I just wish I could take that burden off of him. It’s one of those moments that is frustrating as a parent as I’d gladly give the sight up in one of my eyes so that he could have it. My little world problems go away when trying to support a loved one whether it’s a friend or our own child. It’s a practice of learning perspective. If I don’t get that reporting off to my boss in time will that really kill me? He probably doesn’t even notice but I might beat myself up over it for days.

Sometimes being there for a friend makes our own problems take a back seat.

They've had that anxiety too….

Sometimes we have to celebrate special moments in a special way.

When I was at the heighth of my dealing with anxiety and quiet desperation I was always looking at people around me that appeared to have it all together. I was always amazed at how calm or collected they almost always seemed. I would wonder what it was in me that caused me to be so sensitive or concerned that I struggled with the daily pressure in my head. One of the things that openned up a new world for me were podcasts and books that shed light on many of these people in the world that appeared to have it all together. Come to find out most, if not all, didn’t have it together or at least didn’t at some time in their life. The realization that I was not alone in this anxious world freed me up so much. There’s a ton of value in exploring people’s stories and learning how they deal with anxiety and “quiet desperation”. One of the first people and podcasts was Rich Roll. His story was really quite remarkable and how he transformed his life was a true inspiration. His book “Finding Ultra” was one of the sparks that inspired my own transformation. The remarkable thing is the realization that the work never stops. I listen to the Rich Roll Podcast every week and he has amazing guest that have similar or valuable stories but a common thread with his commentary is the fact we’re never really out of the work of transformation. I now look at people who appear to have their “shit together” and know that at some point or even right then and there they have a certain level of struggle. I’m quite sure there are people I deal with daily that think I have the perfect attitude and perspective and may not realize what is or has gone on in my head and in my life. I’ve learned to have perspective on what’s important. I stopped feeling quilty about taking care of me first without compromising the other important aspects such as family, community and career. It’s boiled down to understanding the sentiment from a previous blogpost about putting your oxygen mask on first before helping others. There’s comfort in knowing that it seems to be just part of the human condition that we’re all “in out heads” to some extent.

Incredibly powerful video I often go back to

This video done by Mickey Smith is really powerful. It made me appreciate pursuing what I’m passionate about regardless of it making a ton of money. I often find things to be interested in or learn just because it would be fun or challenging.

The other thing I pulled from this video is the sentiment that something can make my heart beat harder. Those things that we love and are passionate about really do make our hearts beat harder and more completely. I often look at a picture of my wife or my kids and just feel that pounding in my chest pick up. Why not get excited about things that are just awesome day in and day out. Sit back and think about those things that make your heart beat harder and then drive toward them. Cherish those things as that’s what life is really about.

Investigate new things

One thing that I find helps a ton is being curious about things that I’m not fully knowledgable about. I’d always wanted to investigate jack Daniels as Lynchburg isn’t too far away and it seemed like a thing to do. I had family in town and one was almost exclusively a JD drinker and wanted to visit the distillery. We went and what an eye opener. I hadn’t liked Jack Daniels much due to it’s image of bikers or rock stars and the black label everything. Taking that tour, twice, that day made me appreciate the effort and care it took to create that whiskey. I always thought the charcoal process was a cheap way to smooth an alcohol but when I saw the care they went through to use only sugar maple and burning it on site to just the right amount and break into just the right size I was amazed. While drinking can certainly be a hot button for many, I was really transformed to appreciate what it takes and the tradition of creating something that seemed so mass produced and really isn’t. Sometimes digging into something to gain a better understanding can really open our eye and appreciate what it’s really about. It’s realy a part of going through life with a beginners mind rather than preconceived notions.

Dying one day at a time

Picture in Smokie Mountains from a backpacking trip. On of my most peaceful moments in a year.

Although I really try to ascribe to this NQD theory, the reason I latched onto it is that I’m often immersed in quiet desperation. I currently am in a professional position with great responsibility and currently going through a lot of change and challenges. I wake up every morning with a positive mental attitude, meditate to help balance my emotions, and run if I can. I wake up my kids and make the breakfast before school and chat with my wife. In general I almost always have a few hours in the morning that are centered around myself and my family. Then I get in my car to head into the office and truly feel like I’m heading into battle. Are we going to have a cash challenge today? What new reporting requirement will pop up? Will I have to deal with an employee problem? It seems these days I find my days filled with issues that challenge that cloak of 3 hours I arm myself every morning. I can often find myself in the desperation moment that really rocks my world.

Amazingly, when my day is done, I’ve learned to hit home with a good attitude and demeanor again. That’s not to say there aren’t days I do a half hour whine session with my wife but those times are fewer and farther between. I think it’s important to find those moments on the front end and/or backend of the day to center ourselves and highlight what’s truly important. I get paid to fight fires at the office all day and paid pretty well. I take solice in the fact that the hard work is affording me to create a better world for my wife and children. On top of that my children indirectly get a better head start in life because their father is more centered. Although they aren’t with me when I’m meditating or running, they know I do. I’m hoping through this process they will adopt a more centered life much earlier than I did and have a really fulfilling life from an early start.

It doesn't have to be big

An awesome Thanksgiving morning by myself with my camera

I often think about my efforts to get away from the madness and create goals. I’ve done an Ironman and a 50 mile trail ultra run. But many of the best moments that recharged my batteries and made the moments of hard work at the things I’d rather not be doing worth it were simple. A recent one was on Thanksgiving morning. I enjoy photography and most of my best pictures are high school football related but on this past Thanksgiving morning, when I really didn’t have any pulls from work, I woke up before sunrise and went to a sandbar on a local river. I set up my camera and stood there for 3 hours as the sun rose and changed the scenery. It was quiet and cold and very pretty. When I was done with that I really didn’t have any great pictures but I did feel like I accomplished something special. I recharged my batteries and felt like all of the hard work and stress was somehow worth it as I could enjoy something special like that moment. I went on to have a great Thanksgiving in a good mood.

Maybe it’s taking 5-10 minutes to stop at a park on the way to work and just breath and have a moment. Just taking a moment to do something for you and with you is often very special and not something our current society encourages. It’s OK to be selfish at times. Then maybe the next step is working toward that large goal that gets us out of our desperation moments.