Nobody Can Do It Alone

I’ve been on a journey of improvement and trying to escape quiet desperation. That is what this blog is about and what I deem is a battle cry of “No Quiet Desperation”. I think of Viktor Frankel’s “Man’s Search for Meaning” where he details deep insights into the power of the human mind to deal with challenging situations. So much of what we think are challenging are truly a matter of perspective. If you take a sippy cup of juice from a toddler it’s the end of the World. Whereas if you separate a man from the love of his life and put him in a concentration camp he can escape mentally to imagine and feel the love of his life not knowing she was gone from this world. I feel like much of my experience aligns closer to the toddler than what Viktor Frankel describes in his experiences in a Nazi concentration camp. I am truly thankful that’s been my experience.

One of the challenges for many of us is that we haven’t been challenged and forged like steel so we seek that out to bring more meaning to life or prove we have the power to overcome. As humans we still have that spark to strive and to explore. In the late sixties, running a marathon was very much an anomaly for most people. There might be that odd guy in town that people saw running and knew he might have run as far as a marathon once. Now you could run a marathon every weekend within a hundred miles from most homes. The comforts of modern society and mechanized labor have caused us to create the experience of hardship. It truly is part of our being. Striving for more and working hard for it. I really don’t think I’ve met a sedentary person that seems content and fulfilled.

I too have fallen into that search for stretching my limits and creating challenges where I truly don’t need to. I have plenty of work challenges and could work 60-70 hrs a week and most probably be more wealthy than I am today. That’s not what drives me. Different experiences and physical/mental changes are what really drive me and get me up at 4:30am. I’ve done longer bike rides to raise money such as centuries, 100 mile bikes rides, for cancer. I’ve done a marathon to raise money for St. Jude and of course to see if I could run a marathon. The sickness I have in my head is to go that little extra. After the marathon I figured a 50 miler would be a good ultra to challenge my ability to stick to a goal and power through something. Well, I go that one done too. I guess the next step is the great 100 mile ultra to really test my ability to not give up.

The thing with an ultra race of 100 miles is it’s a team effort. Yes, some people can do it alone with the race provided support but the true enjoyment is having friends and family there to support you. I chose to do the 2021 Tunnel Hill 100 and my crew was going to be my wife, sister and brother in law, and great friend and pacer Ted Beason. My training had been laced with injuries more due to my lack of core and weight training non-discipline than the wanting to run long and hard. I had knee challenges and back challenges and in some cases had to slow down or take time off. Even through all of this my coach, Ian Sharman, felt I could toe the line but temper my expectations. My crew had everything an ultra runner could want in support from massage gadgets to every food I could possibly want. They were ready and I felt the support and love from the start.

The race started and I was excited as ever. I had to keep mindful of my pace and not get to ahead of myself. The challenge is that around mile ten my back started to fail me. Nothing a little stretching and massage at crew stops wouldn’t fix. In that I was incorrect. My back hurt me for 90 miles but don’t let me get ahead of myself. I finished the first 50 miles hanging in there but still feeling positive that another 50 was in the cards. In about 15 miles my pacer, Ted, would join me for the remaining miles and cheer me on to keep me moving. My stomach felt fine, my legs naturally tired but at about every quarter mile I had to stop, stretch my back and then move on which slowed me down quite a bit. The true test was at mile 75 where I had my crew and a warm Suburban with a bed in back. I just needed a 30 minute nap and made sure that my wife was going to wake me up and not take pity on me to let me sleep longer. While I snoozed away in a very comfortable deep sleep I was unaware of the wagers going on outside the car. I believe the consensus was the I wasn’t going to continue on for that next 25 miles. I’m glad I wasn’t aware as in my mind quiting wasn’t an option. Either I ran out of time or got so injured I couldn’t move forward. I will say that when Diane opened that door I was greatly disappointed that I had to get back out into the cold dark night. I changed my clothed into dry and warm ones, laced on my shoes over super tender toes, and looked back to turn around and take that next step toward those last 25 miles. As the miles dragged on my pacer Ted became more and more of a cheerleader and motivator. At mile 88 he downright became a drill sergeant. There was a cut off time and he was calculating constantly what I needed in pace to make that line. I passed a woman that could barely stand up and was leaning to one side. I supposed I looked good in comparison. She had an incredible blank stare of determination as I looked back. She was none too happy to be passed but I had to do it to keep on pace. At the next and last crew stop I just needed some rocket fuel of any kind to get me those last three miles so I stopped to get something. That lady saw an opportunity to pass me by and make time, much to the discouragement of her pacer and staff. About 100 yards past she fell flat on her face in the leaves. I felt so badly for her but didn’t have the facility to help and there were people coming to her assistance. I needed to press on.

I made those last miles and cross that 100 mile line. I always imagined I’d be more emotional about accomplishing such a feat but it just wasn’t there. I was grateful to my team and happy it was over but was more emotional when about 20 minutes later and very close to the cutoff, that lady rounded the corner and crossed that finish line. Yes, she still had leaves covering her and looked an incredible mess but she made it. It’s difficult to explain the desire to push through extraordinary circumstances and pain to accomplish something. Those who know, know. I try not to proselytize about it to people that don’t understand. Maybe they don’t need that pain and accomplishment to feel complete. Those of us that do are no doubt broken somewhere but we’ve found something to keep us going. I wish I had introduced myself to that lady and kept in touch but we went on our separate ways. I hope she feels more complete as I do after that event.

On to the next challenge to fight off that quiet desperation.