Try not to project too far
Always appreciate the moments and touches of a mother you love
Some of us have led a life that has allowed us to see the challenges of old age before it happens for us. It’s difficult to watch loved ones struggle as their bodies and minds give out on them. When I was younger I always was concerned at losing one or both of my parents. In fact I spent a period of my life somewhat estranged from them and was really concerned not to be able to come back together with them before they passed. I think I always lived a life outside of their comfort zone but managed to build a world of my own that they were proud of.
It’s now been 27 years since I got closer to them and worked on a relationship. I even took up golf just to have something I could do with my father since he was golfing all of the time in his golf course retirement community. As an aside I learned that my temperament doesn’t match up with golf very well and some could argue neither does his. It’s been a very good period of time with them seeing me raise a family and have a decent career. I think my wife was their favorite of all and I guess I don’t blame them.
It’s been about a seven year period of watching them decline with my mother first breaking her hip. She broke her other hip and during all of that time she very slowly became forgetful but hardly to notice. I now find that both of them are in a full care facility probably just about 50 yards from each other. My mother fades away as the day goes on and I think it happy with everyone but my father. My father has lost his ability to walk or do things on his own. His stubbornness has him falling trying to do things on his own when he could have pressed a button and had assistance. They just turned 93 and I truly feel for them as their quality of life is just awful. They have loving people around them where they live so I know they are well taken care of. They chose not to move anywhere family was so they wouldn’t be a bother to us. The challenge is that now we trade off flying 2k miles to visit every month or two. I look forward to my next visit and hopefully can bring some light into the moments I can be there.
The real challenge and how this fits into the theme of this blog is that I can tend to fear for my future. I feel as though I’m looking through the glass at what I have to look forward to. Who's to say I’ll ever come near to 93 since I’m just now turning 60. I do triathlons and ride motorcycles so I may not make it that far as I do intend to wear my body out and have fun doing it. I do find myself fighting that “quiet desperation” of thinking I may have a similar fate of growing old and not well. I reason with myself that it’s one day at a time and live in the moment. One of my favorite Grateful Dead lyrics are “I may be going to Hell in a bucket babe, but at least I’m enjoying the ride”. In order for me to stave off that quiet desperation I need to remind myself of those lyrics. Ride is out hard and if there are last moments that are a challenge I can say I got there honestly and had fun doing it. Let’s not project too far and just get it done day by day.